Thursday, 8 April 2010

"There's no such word as can't!" ...wanna bet?

It's taken me all afternoon to fill in (what I can) the ESA50 novel form and I could only complete about 20% of it the rest I have to wait to fill in when Jeanine comes over tomorrow.
I find all this form filling in more exhausting than physical activity half the time even when I try and be good to myself by typing my answers and printing them out so Jeanine can do the actual writing on the form for me. My back aches, my fingers ache from typing, I swap from the desktop to the laptop to try and keep the pain down and it mentally drains me because you spend the whole time fighting your built in coping mechanism.
The coping mechanism is the brave face, the 'don't worry about me!' facade, 'yeah, I'm tired but I'm ok' answers, the 'I do it because I have no choice' answers when in reality I haven't eaten or drank all day due to sheer exhaustion or haven't washed my hair for over a week because I didn't have someone to help me and to be perfectly blunt, I look a mess and I stink.
I just can't be that person that says 'I cant do this, this and this' because if I keep saying that I'll stop trying. But you can't be that way when filling out the benefit forms because if you put on your facade and your brave face then they presume you can do all these wonderful and physical things and you get no help.So down comes the facade and the brave face and you're painfully reminded of what exactly you can't do. The list gets longer and longer as you go through the form and the 'Can't's' woefully outnumber the 'Can's' by 20 to 1. Food for thought? More like a whole menu and the dessert list on top, and don't forget the complimentary mint with the bill too...

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